Top Tips for a Proper Bridesmaid
- Don’t tell the bride something looks foul until you’ve tried it on. Chances are it’ll look a lot better on you than it will on the shop shelf or hanger. Whether it’s foul or fair, you’re probably going to pay for it, so give it a go before writing it off as the tacky pair of shoes from hell. Something that starts off looking trashy may well prove the coute de rootistance at the reception.* If, for example, the sales assistant volunteers that she walked in the same style of shoes from The Rocks to Darling Harbour without breaking out into a blister at her work Xmas party, rest assured that the comfortable fit you enjoy in the shop will last an entire wedding day no problems.
- When the bride asks you seven months before the wedding what colour her roses should be, don’t tell her to wait and see what’s in season. In fact, this should be rule number one. Brides need to know hues and shades and tinges months in advance. They say this is because they need to co-ordinate bridesmaid outfits, and handbags and other crap like that, but really, it’s so they have time to surreptitiously plant design seeds into the groom’s side of the business into picking the right colour ties and cummerbunds. Where the Kyoto Protocol is only concerned with saving planet Earth from global warming between here and eternity, brides have one mission: to save Their Special Day (T.S.D.). As you embark upon your pre-wedding journey, you will realise that The Bride (T.B.) is the boss of everything.
- When The Bride asks for your opinion upon the colour of chair sash colours at the reception venue, and what you think will complement the dining room nautical-themed carpet, don’t throw a hissy fit and expostulate, “For god’s sake who the hell’s gunna notice – they’re chair sash covers for goodness sake!” Remember the invisible rule that renders all other rules insignificant – only the bride is allowed to throw a hissy fit, and if it’s prompted by a materialistic, superficial reason that she too would otherwise, in more rational times, ie, Pre-Bridal (P.B.), not give a shit about, this is perfectly normal, and par for the course of Briding.
- Bridesmaids should not attempt to co-produce short films long distance whilst attending to their Maiden of Honour duties on the weekend of the wedding. Your stomach may be churning at a frightening rate of knots as your paltry film budget suffers for your art, but if your focus is anywhere but decorating the tables at the reception centre with the bride and her family the day before the big day, you will fall short of being A Proper Bridesmaid. She won’t even need to say it. The artistic nerves in your inside will spontaneously [sic] into waves of guilt that you have not been A Proper Bridesmaid.
- Bridesmaids should refrain from playing hopscotch up the church aisle during wedding rehearsals, even if the vicar does laugh. This stresses brides out, particularly brides whose sole M. of H. and E. (Maiden of Honour and Everything) has also been so wrapped up in filmmaking that she has neglected to turn up to the reception venue to decorate tables and cannot remember the running order of the ceremony.
- A Proper Bridesmaid will refrain from being politically correct and telling her bride-to-be off for being sacrilegious and shallow. This is for special cases, where an atheist bride takes her lapsed ex-schoolboy Roman Catholic father into the church, to point out how the stained glass windows, featuring saints, in the vestibule co-ordinate with her traditional wedding theme, and the father decides to start reciting long forgotten catechisms and reminding everyone of how he was once a good little altar boy. Art and beauty have everything to do with celebrating love.
- If the bridesmaid has a different spiritual calling to the bride and groom, she will likely as not find that her spiritual beliefs are small bickies in comparison with the love she has for true love. The old maxim, when in Rome do as the Romans do, for a half hour wedding service helps. Besides, there is a rock solid chance that the marriage celebrant will prattle on about all sorts of positive vibes about marital commitment and love that transcend the tenets of any organised religion, even if several centuries ago, you would have been burned at the stake by the marriage celebrant’s predecessor.
- If the photographer offers you cheap champagne out of the esky in the boot of his car while s/he does the formal portraits out in the hot sun, just drink it. The bride, despite more than likely knowing nothing about photography or set design, will be too busy telling the photographer how to stage her/his photographs and run her/his camera, in order to catch the eyeball-scorching sunlight in a halo against the back of her dress, to drink. This also has the run-on effect of warming her thirst engines so that she will be ready to harass you for a drink at the reception.
- Don’t think your duties at the reception begin and end with holding the bride’s handbag while she and the groom welcome the guests inside. She may never have been married or even a bridesmaid before, but if you don’t know that you should know to fetch her drink from the bar, there is the distinct likelihood that she will become tetchy, as well as thirsty, and tell you off… discreetly or otherwise. Your bride will depend on you to know your bridesmaid business, even if she thinks she doesn’t.
- Bridesmaids should always size up the available groomsmen. Even if you don’t get lucky with one of them after the wedding, there is a pretty good chance you could get lucky with their dessert. Which, after the exhausting day you’ve just had, absolutely justifies eating a second one. Suggest to the bride that she order a fussy, girly sweet that no self-respecting Groom’s Bloke (G.B.) could have the sweet tooth to handle, such as Pavlova, chocolate puddings and tarts. A Proper Bridesmaid knows it is vitally important to line her stomach before she hits the dance floor with all the other tarts… well, the ones in satin.
- Always accompany the bride to the toilet, even if it’s just to gossip about the hot waiter. Whether she needs you to hold seventy metres of tulle up while she plants one on the dunny, or pin her back fat back into the corset she’s never fitted into, it is an unspoken rule that the bride always goes to the dunny in a posse of satin, silk, and perfume.
- When it’s time to dance with your Allotted Groomsman (A.G.) during the bridal waltz, realise that it will never be as bad as social dancing for P.E. in Year Ten, and the groomsman may well be just as nervous as you. It is only one dance out of the rest of your life, and with a bit of luck, he will be so concerned about his Groomly Duties (G.D.s), that he will kindly offer to fetch you a drink from the bar.
- When your bride sister or friend says she could not have made it through her special day and months of preparation without you, say thank you. You never know – one day you could be in need of an experienced Matron of Honour, one who understands your bridal needs perfectly.
*Coute de rootistance. For those of you not from the Land Down Under, this means the pinnacle of ones shagging opportunities.
c. A Room of Heroine 2012.