Top Ten Things Not to Attempt in the Nude

Going nude can be a freeing experience.  Below are some places and occasions when you should give it a miss.

1. Job Interview.  Unless you are attending a casting for a nude film, nude photographic exhibition, or trying to psyche out the other applicants in the waiting room, it might be a good idea to keep your qualifications under cover.  Chances are you will get the job anyway, because you are the best qualified for the job and have fabulous interpersonal skills that your new employer is crying out to have onboard.

2. Government Departments.   Public servants are subject to enough entertainment by the public on a daily basis, without your fronting up to the local RTA counter wearing only your car keys and a Low Income Health Care Card.

3. Funerals.  Especially if it is for someone you do not know, which is likely to occur if you lose yourself on the way to the service and end up in the Presbyterian section of the cemetery.  Funerals are like weddings – there is only room for one show-stopping bride and one hysterical guest.  Your entrance sans clothes is likely to steal the limelight.

 4. Shoeing a Horse.  There is a reason farriers wear leather aprons, and it is not because they are trying out costumes for Mardi Gras.  Ask any decent farrier, and they will tell you that you would be nuts not to wear an apron when faced with a large, possibly unpredictable cloven-hoofed animal and flying embers.  However, if you insist upon shoeing a horse whilst in the nude, be warned that the horse may mistake your hirsute backside for a gourmet variety of chaff.  In fact, avoid nuding up for any sort of activity involving welding, hot anvils, or any other sort of irons in the fire.

5.  Operating Heavy Machinery.  Agreed, posing on a stationary combine harvester or all over a mechanic’s workshop in the buff or a bikini can look hot.  But switch that circular saw on, and it may not just be logs that you split.

6. Driving Lessons.  This applies to any sort of lessons involving planes, trains, and automobiles.  It is pretty fair to say that if your physique is sufficiently arousing, your driving instructor will only be capable of doing half the job you are paying him or her for.  Then they will feel guilty that they took their eye off the ball, so to speak, and pass you with flying colours.  Which in the short term is great for the ego, but in the big picture, an absolute nightmare for anyone driving toward you from the opposite direction.

7. Public Rallies.  Any sort.  The chances of acquiring a nasty case of gravel rash if events turn rough, such as at a Young Liberals rally, are high, as are the statistics for most rallies involving peace, politics, or prurience.  So that counts out anti-war protests, union solidarity marches, and anything to do with Fred Nile.

8. Arriving  Late to Mass Nude Photographic Opportunities in Outdoor Venues.  Maybe an hour ago the police were happy to ignore a mass nudathon for the sake of art.  But this is no reason to suspect that they will turn a blind eye to your enthusiastic shortcomings, or your explanation that the bus was late.

 9. Locking Yourself Out of Your Hotel Room During a Political Conference.  Some may view this as the perfect opportunity to form spontaneous new political alliances, or get into bed with the opposition.  It can be hard to take a bipartisan perspective at three o’clock in the morning.  The stakes are a lot higher if you are the innocent party, and the person with the room key problem is your political hero.  Denuded of their intellectual prowess and oratorical charisma, you could either fancy yourself a true equal with leadership potential, or fight flashbacks to last night during their seminar on Fighting the Global Economic Downturn, or Keeping the Bastards Honest.

10. Foreign Airport Customs.  This is especially important if your luggage is lost in transit in another hemisphere, or ends up in the hold of one of Virgin’s new flights into outer space.  There is a good chance that the Customs official requesting your passport or travel documents, will not take kindly to your explanation that you have used up your hand luggage allowance and thus have no room for respectable attire.

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