Ah wooood live 500 years. I think. With all apologies to… not Nirvana, but The Proclaimers, the question is, would you?
Scientist Jonathan Weiner has come up with some devilish-in-the-detail new information about clocking up 500 years on the mortal coil instead of three score and ten (if one is that lucky). Have a flick through this excerpt from his book, Long For This World:
However, I think the man with the U.S.S.N. (no, not an ISBN, although he’d have one of those now, I mean, the Unfortunate Sausage-Sounding Name) has missed a few key perks of racking up five centuries instead of the better part of one:
1. More Time to Get Stuff Done. Subcategories: More Time for Bitching and Moaning About Getting Stuff Done, More Time to Wonder Why Stuff Hasn’t Been Done Yet and look for the Culprit Who Didn’t Get Stuff Done.
2. Extended Warranties – a tinsy bit more exxy, but better value for money long term.
3. ‘It’s a wardrobe classic, I’ll have it for years.’ You want to hope it lasts for years, you silly cow.
4. More time for procrastination. Brilliant.
5. Students would be at school until they’re 35 – great for parental types keeping an eye on their homework.
6. Longer sleep-ins. Why not?
7. Government infrastructure such as road works would take five times as long to complete. It already does, so this only gives the buggers an excuse.
8. Lunch breaks all over the world would be longer than a Spanish siesta. So let’s all work from home then.
9. It would take 5 times as long to vote fools out of government. And waste five times as much tax payers’ money on golden handshakes when the pollies retire.
10.Insomniacs would probably go extremely nuts.
11. Best of all… A quickie would take the best part of an hour and involve foreplay.